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Posts Tagged ‘previews’

Here’s a quick sneak peek at the hottest must-see summer blockbusters, just to give you a taste of what’s in store next time you hit up the local cinema:

Aged in Oak – A grizzled wine merchant, grieving for his dead wife, learns to open his heart when fate throws him together with a feisty eight-year-old girl with no head. Together they travel to Canada in a mobile home to buy a wooden prosthesis, and learn the value of intimate perversions. Starring Vin Diesel and Raven Symone, with Nick Nolte as Charles Dickens.
 
Things of Grub – David Lynch writes and directs a strange, surreal journey through the mind of a fiery Spanish elm tree. A comment of the dark side of contemporary America, with Steve Carell as the Nipple Queen and David Schwimmer as Black Beauty.
 
Greg – A hilarious romp, with Freddie Prinze Sr bringing the house down as a wacky corpse who sets out to win the heart of Julia Roberts, played by Demi Moore. Directed by Willie Nelson.
 
How to Molest A Girl in Ten Days – The long-awaited sequel to smash hit Bicentennial Man sees kd lang turn in a searing performance as Elwood the retired electrician, who finds a new purpose in life by entering strangers’ homes and fingering sleeping women.
 
Lazy Susan – Nicholas Cage (not to be confused with the actor) plays Jean-Marie Denouille, a French aristocrat struggling to bring up a severely crippled sea lion. Helen Hunt pops up as Napoleon, while director Penny Marshall plays both herself and the Peninsular Army.
 
The Life and Times of Henri Bergson – Deceptively titled biopic about the career of Ira Gershwin. Meg Ryan is in top form as Harpo Marx, and the musical score, by Joan Cusack, is gorgeous. Watch for a hilarious cameo by Billy Crystal as Ira’s famous composer brother Richard Rodgers.
 
The Hit – Whoopi Goldberg’s first foray into hardcore pornography showcases Tom Hank’s distinctive cinematography and Owen Wilson and Ben Stiller’s star turn as J.Edgar Hoover and his identical twin father Ann-Marie.
 
Hard Rock Pet Shop – It’s been years since we’ve seen anything new from Katharine Hepburn, and this film is no exception. Down-on-his-luck Ralph Fiennes buys a run-down pet shop and employs a former rock drummer (Michael Bolton) as his assistant. Together they come up with a scheme to prevent an evil developer (Anna Paquin) from anally raping them.
 
Austin Powers: The World is Not A Muff – Mike Myers reprises his roles as Austin Powers, Dr Evil, Fat Bastard, and adds portrayals of Gordon Nemo, Captain Grit, Stacey Leechback, Mickey Stifford, The Great Malkeeno, Nola Suckoff, Vladamir Mulkipin Rohypnovitch, Lassie, Aileen Quinn, President Gray van der Snuff, Maureen Snug, the Ghost of Christmas Past, Eddie Murphy and Little Nell. Powers is assigned to protect a beautiful scientist (Kathy Bates) who claims that the world is not a muff. Everyone on Earth agress with her, and they spend the next hour and half doing nothing at all.
 
Blood and Ham – Ethan Hawke assumes directorial duties in this adaptation of Helen Fielding’s novel. Emma Thompson does a passable British accent while parachuting into German abattoirs and slaughtering everyone with an axe, in the mistaken belief that WWII is still on. Co-stars George C. Scott as Boutros Boutros-Ghali and Gaby Hoffman as Atticus Finch.
 
Starsky and Hutch – A pair of funky cops (Drew Barrymore and James Earl Jones) develop fatal brain diseases and slowly choke to death on their own mucus. Riveting.
 
Tobey Maguire’s Dracula – An evil Transylvanian vampire (Paul Rudd) visits an old movie theatre (Al Pacino) and discovers a magic ticket (Shelley Long) that allows him to enter an action movie (Paul Mecurio) and befriend Arnold Schwarzenegger (Halle Berry). Meanwhile he must get to London (Lucy Liu) in time to stop his evil minions (S Club 7) from carrying out his misheard orders to suck the Queen of England’s (Portia de Rossi) cud (Ricki Lake), as predigested hay is deadly to vampires. Not John Woo’s best effort, especially since it was directed by Baz Luhrmann.
 
Nifty Pixies – Catherine Zeta-Jones visits Santa’s village, and thereby becomes the NBA’s number one coach.

There you go – something for everyone, and I can already hear you slavering in anticipation of the treats in store.

Some of these will get the full Make This Movie review treatment – which ones are up to YOU! Vote in comments for which of these you want to see reviewed in extended form! Fabulous prizes on offer for voters!

Honest!

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